Dame Natalie :)’s blog

FUCKK. FUCK.fuckksakee.BASTARD.

THIS IS THE end. can't do it anymore. no more. time to completely get rid of them. COMPLETELY.

I hate the way this makes me feel. I can't stand it. I know I'm not the only person that's gone through this but this is the first time it's happened. I want someone who wouldn't do anything for me. I'm stupid for falling in the first place, but I let myself go anyway. But this is where it stops, I'm Natalie not a push over. I want to be happy not always worrying, not always sitting around with something else on my mind. I want to be me and from now on I will be. This will not bring me down, life goes on and it will get a lot better than this.

I guess I get how you feel now. & how much I wish you would want me you'd not understand. I distanced myself from you so I didn't get clingy. So you didn't have a reason to talk about me behind my back and to have something to hold against me. But because I don't call, text or anything it makes me a bad person too. Either way I'm not going to win. I was a bitch at the beginning and aint been the best company to have around, I know that. But I wish sometimes you took a step out and thought of what it would be like to be me, watching what you do. I hate the fact that you know your doing someting wrong and you'll look straight at me and then you'll talk to everyone else and ignore me. I'm a person and I have feelings. & right now you're making me feel like shit and like I aint good enough and that I aint ever been. Maybe it's too late to fix things, but I know that for a fact this is just going to keep getting me down. I don't want to be places where I might see you but then I know a part of me would like to know what your doing. I don't know what I think or feel for you but there's something. I don't want to hear the words " i dont want you and never have " so I'm not about to try. If you want me you'll tell me, if you want to make things right you will, but I doubt that will happen. I'm just sorry for ever coming into your life or anything. I'm sorry for the shit I seem to cause. This probably makes no sense but I don't know. I'm even confused. Time to move on ? I think so but I don't want too, I didn't get all that I came for. But maybe its time to break out of the habbit of making sure I get what I want and letting go.

I deleted some of my blogs, because they were about boys and I hated reading them back and thinking to myself "Why was I so bloody stupid?" or "Why did I go and do that?". I want things to change so badly that words cannot describe. I'd give anything. I'm fed up of hearing that I don't know what it's like, or I won't understand ? Just like no-one understands the situation that I'm in. I don't use him neither do I use anyone else, no-one will listen though. I want him a lot but it's something that I'm just not destined to have, and I'm fine with that. But I'm pretty sure that it's going to hurt like a bitch knowing that I've to give up + then actually giving up. I fucked up a good few times yeah and it's my blame again. But this is getting old now and I don't know what to do or where I'm going with it. Probably nowhere knowing me but I'm getting fed up slowely and I'm pretty sure everyone else can see it. I wish things wasn't like this 11:11., I wish for once I had a bit of luck and things would go right, I'm trying my best to do things the way they're supposed to be. Yeah I've been a bit ocupied this week, I've been with the family which is something that I don't usually do. So I've not really seen anyone. Doesn't make me a bad person :) I'm going to try my 100% best to do the right thing from now on. Because I know what I want, and I'll be an adult about it and understand if I'm not going to get it. You can't make people feel a certain way about you I know. Life's got to be good from now on even if I'm missing out on Halloween too :/ I hope I aint got to work that night too! I'll be wishing it for the next few days !

What Would Happen If We Kissed?
Would Your Tongue Slip Past My Lips ?
Would You Run Away ? Would You Stay? Or Would I Melt Into You?
Mouth To Mouth, Lust To Lust; Spontaneously Combust.

lets run away to a place where the air tastes like rain
and the sun shines like a sunday morning.
you bring your laugh and i'll bring my sense of humour,
and we can taste the days, one week after another.
just me + you.

I've always wondered, does he ever think about me ?
Wonder how I've turned out ?
Want to know what I look like ?
Want to talk to me, see me etc?

Them questions will never be answered, they will never be asked either. It's not because I don't want a Dad, It's because he didn't want me. I know that they were both young but even now I still think it's unfair to give up, both of you. I live with my mother in my life, but I never see her. She gave birth to me and that's about it, Someone else had to take the role of being a mam, just because she couldn't be bothered too. & then you, when things got a bit tough you thought the best thing was to bail then come back ? Sometimes I hate my Nan for telling you to never try and have contact with me, but now I don't. I talked to your wife, and she told me to take a deep breath? and then funny enough I had too. I wasn't expecting her to realise who I was, but she did. I only wanted to see what you looked like, and what my brothers and sisters looked like too and now I've seen it. If I ever come across you I'll thank you for not being there for 18 years, because to have a dad who's a heroine addict would be a disgrace, I'd rather have a mother who doesn't know her left from right but still seems to remember my name and when my birthday is. You've talked about me and told your wife but never wanted to know. I feel like a dick for wanting to know for a few years but now I can safely say that the Padfields can officially go and fuck themselves. :)

Chances? I've had more than I can remember. I'll start again, & I'll prove you wrong because I can change. I do some shitty things and I can't take them back, but I can only try and make things better. But I'll try when you actually want me to be around, because up until then I'm staying away. Just because that seems to be the best thing for me to do.

I was waiting for something to come along, to just hit me back. I didn't have a reason to feel awkward around you until now. Everything you say, everything you do is such a lie. I hate having to think about it,it gives me this sickly feeling in my stomach, what if you were always thinking about her ? /: I didn't react how I thought I'd react at all, I was expecting to be all upset and stuff but instead I've just sat back and not said a word, to you at all. Not anything, even hello. I'm stubborn and until I'm fine with it, I'm gonna be ignorant, thats the type of person I am. I cant handle getting hurt, I've never wanted someone and then let them hurt me because I've never infact wanted someone. I want to know the truth yeah, but I think I already do /: this is going to be the last time I mention this, I'm Natalie & I'll get over it darling (:

I cannot offer you anything else other than just another problem.

It was about time that something came along where I had to choose what I wanted to do or who I wanted. I guess feelings change after a while, because the boy that I really wanted ages ago, I don't want anymore. There's no interest there for me anymore, even if I saw him I wouldn't get all shy just because I don't need too. & to add to it all, I liked him for all the wrong reasons, there was no link between us, we both wanted one thing in a way at first I guess but then it changed for him. Now I want someone for all the right reasons, well at least I think their the right reasons. I like them for who they are, not for what they look like or what they got, although both of them are fine for me. I don't know what I'll get for choosing this boy over the over, but this is the second time I've had to do this so he's got to mean something to me right? what I mean to him I've no idea but I don't care. I'm actually getting them butterflies everyone else seemed to have. About time it moved onto me too!  Live Laugh Love.

& he's everything your not because I smile just remembering the stupid things that he says to me. The silly things he does to get my attention. How I can remember how he taste's and smells. He's your opposite and that I love.

I've noticed lately, people come around at totally the wrong time. I know that a few months ago, there was a boy that I wanted more than anyone else in the world. He was the person that I wanted, I'd of gone out with him instead of my friends thats how much I wanted it. Everyone said that he was just a knob, not good looking and that, their opinions, it would of been different if they liked him though. But then things changed, I met someone who was just totally different. I didn't expect to like them at all, I didn't at first. Then I did the silly mistake of telling them I didn't want to know and then a few months later I wanted to know again. Gives off mixed signals doesnt it ? Now he's the one I want, I'm more comfortable around him than anyone else I know, I like that I can't get mad at him because I end up laughing, i just like to be there with them. But its like as if nothing else can happen now,Not because I dont want it too, just because neither of us tell each other how we feel. We're the same and I love that, I understand things more. It's just there;s that person that I wanted before whos came back and wants something with me, I like them but I know I want you even more, & that I'm going to even if I choose them. But you should always take what you deserve shouldn't you?